My wife had to be to work early this morning so we set the alarm for 5:30 AM. I Got up, and spent around 30 minutes on the computer doing a quick job search. Still feeling a little sorry for myself after having been turned down yet again after a recent job interview. It's been nine months now since I lost my job. After having applied to over 126 positions I've been politely turned down through direct e-mail at least seven times, been through three interview processes all of which resulted in someone else being given the offer (including the most recent one) or heard nothing at all. I found it extremely easy to get down on myself and wonder what the hell it is that I'm doing wrong but that seems selfish, and an abject waste of time. At 6 AM I started prep for a little Kenpo (P90x) while my wife left for work. I was no further than 36 minutes into the warm-up when my grandson Devin strolled into the living room....Fuuuuuuck!
I promptly turned off the DVD and saw to changing his underwear, cleaning him up and getting him a fresh set of clothes. He's been spending the last three weeks with me while his mother's out of town, and to make life somewhat easier for his father while she's away. His father has his older brother Gavin and I have Devin. The strain of not being able to work-out on a regular basis, the inability to get any work done on websites, and seemingly futile task of trying to find employment, is debilitating and frustrating. Coupled with that is the role reversal that I'm experiencing due to this 'He-cession'.
Since the start of my unemployment I found myself in the position of cooking every meal (which I actually enjoy), rinsing dishes for the dishwasher, washing, folding and ironing clothes, vacuuming & dusting, and any other household chore that's needed to be done.
Now with Devin here, and he in the early stages of potty training I've also found myself having to do more laundry to keep his underwear in circulation, being creative by making an appetizing lunch fit (and healthy) for a three-year-old every day, and find entertaining and educational activities to keep him occupied, plus watching Nick Jr. I've even been able to get my hands dirty by rinsing out his soiled underwear after he's had a mistake of #2. Needless to say my brain has turned to mush (which will make the aliens at Hulu happy) and I've developed a newfound sense of respect for any housewife or new mother who finds themselves imprisoned by their home and the sense of responsibility of properly raising a young mind. The upside is if I ever win a place on 'Jeopardy' or 'Cash Cab' I can successfully name all the characters on Wow-wow Wubzzy!, The Backyardigans, & Yo gabba Gabba. I'm also learning Spanish with Dora and Chinese with Ni Hao, Kai-lan....SUPER!
At about 9:45 he started saying he wanted to 'go swing' which we normally don't do until after 2 PM when we go to check the mail. I relented due to the fact that I know he needs the exercise (it's a quarter-mile to play area at our apartments) and I appreciate doing it in the cooler part of the day. Since I live in Florida the afternoon highs have been averaging in the high 70s to low 80s which isn't hot unless your standing still under a cloudless sky pushing a three-year-old on a swing-set, or carrying him a quarter-mile back after he's tuckered himself out on the monkey bars. As I'm standing there pushing him on the swing-set my mind has the opportunity to wander and I think about the bitterness, frustration and discouragement particularly of the last few days...it's been building...and a breakdown has been coming. Something in me though realizes that the frustration I feel is self-imposed. It's real root is buried in selfishness and self-importance. I can't work out. I can't get any work done on websites. I can't get a job. Me! Me! Me! Me!
I began to think of all the reading I've been doing lately on 2012, the apocalypse, or the end of days. It brought me back to the feelings I experienced after 9/11. The realization that nothing really matters more in this world than family and the ones we love. I realized at that moment that although he might be the focal point of my frustration I need Devin as much as he needs me. If the world were to end right now the only thing that matters is that we have each other and that we could pass from this life and into the next in each other's embrace...not alone! I can offer nothing to myself...but when I offer myself to someone else I find my life has meaning and purpose but most of all...love. And that's a lot of my friends!
Wow, Terry, that was really good. I was wondering how you were feeling today, but I was sick this morning, so haven't felt like calling. Doing better now, but still sore. I was watching the news last night and they were saying that the Job Fair in Orlando was a bust, just like the ones you've been to. Everyone was nicely dressed, but no one was taking apps. - they said to check online. Same old bull. But at least you know you are NOT alone in your struggle. Also they said they are going to extend the unemployment benefits another 20 weeks in Florida, so hopefully that will help. Just remember it's not personal...you are in the same boat thousands of others are in. You are right where God wants you to be and you are doing a job with Devin that "others" would not be caring about. The meals you prepare are far different that fast food and sweets. You are so important to that little guy right now and to Gavin, too. Sometimes the plan God has for us is far from what we have in mind for ourselves, but He knows a whole lot more than we do. When does Amanda get home? I thought it was today, but not sure. Call me. Love you.
ReplyDelete